The pitch: The next great kids show
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for having me today. I know time is short, so I want to get this out to start with: I have your network’s next great cartoon right here. You are in the business of needing a kids show, and I have the ideas. You’ll find one here that will anchor your network for a generation. Maybe two.
Do I have your attention? I should. These ideas are gold, and the folks at Netflix are my next appointment. So if you want me, you’ll need to jump at this opportunity.
Are you ready?
Let’s make some money.
Idea 1: Rapscallions
Okay, so there’s a group of kids. Kind of troublemakers, but good kids. They solve their problems using hip-hop music. Come on, when’s the last kids show that used hip-hop music? This is an entire demographic you haven’t touched. Usually, the hip-hop character is a one-off in a show that typically has these fun poppy jingles. But here, it’s the default.
Oh, and the title. Rapscallions. Do you know why? Because the kids … wait for it … are onions. They live in a vegetable world. Bad-guy cabbage. The father figure in the whole thing is, I don’t know, a turnip? You could even set it in a grocery store’s produce section after hours. Like, a very special episode has a trip to the frozen foods aisle, where they’re scared of meeting the same fate as the frozen veggies. That sort of thing. It’s perfect.
Idea 2: Hard-Boiled
It’s an egg, right? He’s uncrackable, because, well, you know. Hard-boiled. But he’s also a detective. The whole thing is a kids version of film noir. “The uncrackable egg with uncrackable cases,” all that. He’s got a friend who is a sausage patty or something. The victims he has to track down are all bright and colorful. You know, really play up the “dyed”/”died” juxtaposition. Hard-boiled detective, hard-boiled egg.
Idea 3: Tricerat-Ops
So we jump back to prehistory, right? And it turns out, these dinosaurs were super advanced, far beyond what we know. They have schools, businesses, military operations. These guys are a special-forces troop. Triceratops, special ops. You get it. They’re out there doing the tough jobs the other dinosaurs can’t do. And every few episodes — maybe every season finale? I don’t know, you guys can discuss it — they face an extinction-level event. So, like, Season One finale, there’s this meteor heading toward earth, and everybody thinks this is what’s going to wipe the dinosaurs. But the Tricerat-Ops figure it out and boom! Another season.
Idea 4: Papa Troll
Okay, so I don’t really have the idea fleshed out on this one. He’s like, Papa Smurf, but they’re trolls? Look, I don’t know, but the name is perfect. Every single grandma in the world will get kids the toys and merchandise for this show, because the kids will ask for Paw Patrol and they won’t know which is which. I know, I know, soulless, craven selling out. It’s a cash grab. But whatever, it would work. Okay, moving on.
Idea 5: Gu-Roo
All right, back to the real ideas! Do you have any idea how many crazy animals there are in Australia? Like, kangaroos and koalas are the normal shit they have down there. So this is a show about the spiritual leader of the Outback animals, an Old Wise One who happens to be a kangaroo. (You know, guru, kangaroo, it’s a great portmanteau.) And instead of our animal characters coming across a friendly, I don’t know, beaver, or a wisecracking snake, they can stumble across Tasmanian devils, and kookaburras, and just the most crazy-ass spiders.
Idea 6: Wee Knights
These would be shorts. Five-, 10-minute episodes. The are five days a week, Monday-Friday, at 7 p.m., sort of the “Okay, we’re heading into the night’s telecast” sort of thing. Super chivalrous little dudes who solve problems for the adults. Maybe they’re toys who fix things for their owners? Sort of like the army men in Toy Story? Anyway, the tagline is perfect:
“WeeKnights. Weeknights.”
It’s right there.
Okay, those are my ideas. Thank you for your time, and let’s start making some money.